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Don't Buy This Beach Towel

*** UPDATE! AS OF /(display: todaysdate) WE HAVE ONLY /(display: randominteger(5:15)) LEFT! ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! ALL THE KOOL KIDS ARE DOING IT, YOU SHOULD TOO!***

This one may seem a little a little indulgent... and you're absolutely right, it's 110% indulgent.

In fact, you shouldn't buy this towel.

Seriously.

You've probably got plenty of other perfectly good towels. Do you really need a towel with our logo on it? Is this going to positively affect your life to the extent that this is a worthwhile investment? Will gently drying your derriere with a few feathers really give your dancing the effortless grace you so deeply desire?

And what marketing ploys are we using to make you want this thing anyway? You see that girl over there, using the towel? That's called a stock image, but let us pretend for a moment: Her life is probably that of a ballroom rock star! She has more money and friends than she knows what to do with. She saved the whales and built an orphanage, all in one afternoon. Then she won Blackpool. Then she and her model boyfriend hopped into a convertible and drove off into the sunset.

And you know why?

You guessed it! 

Because she used our towel. Yup. It's as simple as that. We're really not sure why more people haven't figured this out...

Wait! Actually, the marketing department (yes, that's the same person who does everything else here (hi mom!), but play along for a moment) would like to jump in and offer you the chance to join our exclusive club. In fact, the reason that nobody knows about this magical towel is that we've purposely kept it from the unwashed masses (see what I did there?), just for you and a few like-minded, probably socio-economically similar friends you don't know you have. As part of our club, we'll make sure you feel like you're part of an exclusive group so that it's clear that you're special for having the magical power of the towel! So magical. So special.

When you see another person gently caressing their body with our custom towel, you'll know that the two of you share a bond deeper than... ah... deeper than your loathing of merengue. Also, please don't stare at them if they're in a towel, that's just creepy. But still, you'll just know, with a deep, soul-satisfying warmth, that the two of you are kindred spirits. Towel buddies. Something like that. Don't you feel connected to something bigger now? We know we do.

And since we're on a roll with the marketing techniques, we've set up a LIMITED TIME DISCOUNT. That's right, we're giving you $10 off on this superbly sagacious buy, but in just a few minutes we're going to cruelly take your money away from you. We're going to rip that $10 that you never had from your tightly clenched fingers, then wave it in your face as we skip merrily to the bank and deposit it into our spite fund. 

If the IT department (hello, it's me again) could get their 'stuff' together enough to put a big countdown timer on this page, they'd totally do it... but, you know, that sounds like a lot of work, and it would probably require learning a whole bunch of new apps and skills that would only ever get used once... so we're just going to ask you to imagine a big, red, blinking timer, the kind that assaults your eyes and forces you to pay attention to it, in the bottom left corner. It started at 15 minutes, but if you've read this far, then you're down to only 12:37...

12:36...

12:35...

Clearly, you'd better buy this thing now before the falses sense of urgency evaporates and your lizard-brain impulse to buy with impunity gives way to the harsh reality that $50 for a towel is basically highway robbery no matter which way you dry it.

In a last-ditch effort to convince you that we cannot conceive of your life without this cleaning convenience, we might point out that we are, in fact, the first company to provide ballroom-specific beach towels! Our proprietary blend of fabric (oh shoot, did we put it in the footer? ah well) has been obsessively engineered to leave dancers with the perfect dryness-to-moisture ratio for optimal performance on the dancefloor. As pioneers in this proverbial blue ocean, we've brought together the finest minds in sports physiology, fabric science, and copywriting BS to convince you that this marginally differentiated product is somehow orders of magnitude superior to the thing that you've already been using successfully for years without issue. 

If all of the above fails, we'll probably just put up some giant BUY NOW! BUY NOW! BUY NOW! imagery, call it a day and hit the kitchen for some tea.

We've given it our best. We tried! But you were too cold-hearted, too unfeeling and undiscerning in your tastes. We're giving up, because at this point what else can we do?

Exactly. We can try to guilt you into it. Because look at all the effort we've already expended on your behalf. We spent hours (that is a lie) crafting this custom thing for you, how dare you not want it? We'll go pout until you've decided it's worth your time and money.

And, lastly but of course not least, there are all of the accolades towels have rung up over the years. Perhaps most notably, Douglas Adams said, in his ballroom-focused book TheHitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "a towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have." We can only assume that he was referencing the sturdy plushness of a Feather Three towel, which is, of course, top of the line.

***

If you've read to here:

  1. That's impressive. I would have given up on this drivel long ago if I were you. 
  2. Hopefully, you have no intention of buying this overpriced piece of luxury nonsense.
  3. I hope it's given you a little insight on how you're going to be bombarded with advertisements and clever ad copy throughout this holiday season. Remember, your worth as a human has nothing to do with what any ad, product, or service does. It has to do with how you treat yourself and other people. I'm not suggesting you never buy anything, but I do suggest you think about it for 5 seconds longer than it takes to hit the buy button.

Anyways, this towel, like many other novelties, exists, and if you want it, you can buy it. We're not going to say no. 

But we might judge you. Just a little bit. Maybe. If we get around to it.

Enjoy. :) 


• Size: 30”x60”
• 52% cotton, 48% polyester
• Probably unecessary, but hey, why not?
• If you're still reading this, I'm impressed.

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